My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
