shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
