no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
