i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
