No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize