she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
