He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
