I am in a vortex of obligation.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
