I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize