just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize