I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
