When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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