the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize