The maid of honor just puked.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
