Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
