here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
