I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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