Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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