There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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