I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just pynch a tree in the face
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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