you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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