im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
