oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
