If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
