She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
did i walk over a car last night?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
