I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
