Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
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