I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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