You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
