I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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