i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
