apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
