well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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