I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
