Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
this beer tastes like vomit already
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
