i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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