Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize