I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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