she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
