I can tuck mytits in my pants
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize