Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
