oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
