I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
