I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize