Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
