kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
