Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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