I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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