Ambien. No doubt about it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
