i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
