she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize