I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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