Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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