Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
