Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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