Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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