And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize