Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Your cock deserves a montage
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
