She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
