The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize