Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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