there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize